One thing that hurts my heart so much about the school shooting in Connecticut is all the anger it has created.
Anger towards the boy who went in and hurt so many families. Anger at gun control laws. Anger with the system. Anger with not being able to do anything.
But what really does anger lead to? Nothing good has ever come out of blind anger. Very few times has anger lead to something good, and usually it's a righteous, justified anger. I'm not saying that some don't have righteous anger for what happened. But we can't be angry at the shooter. We can't be angry at the government and our legal system. We can't even be mad at ourselves.
This is all because our world is broken. On our own, we are hopeless. Left to our own moral judgments and selfish intentions, this will keep happening and happening over and over again. We as people are not intrinsically good, because we have poisoned ourselves.
I know that sounds harsh, but that is what God tells us. We were created for good. But sin has polluted our world. And now we are left with the consequences Now, every human is born with the internal drive to disobey our Father. We are selfish, and we think for ourselves.
But that's the beauty of our Creator. He sees us in our grime and loves us anyway. Even as we run in the opposite direction, He pursues us. He loves us. He has always loved us. He will always love us.
And He loves all of us. He loves you, and me. He loves those 20 young children who died. He loves the teachers who stood in the way of the bullets to protect their students. He loves the young man who did all of this.
He has loved the worst of us, and the best of us. But even through all that He knows that we can never measure up with Him on our own. So He gave us a way to get to Him, by dying in our place. You see, the most powerful force on this earth is love, but not the love we have for our families, the love we have for our friends. But the love a Father has for His children. Enough to die for us.
So all this anger? It just feeds into the cycle we as humans are cursed with.
I don't claim to know everything. I don't claim to know what good could possibly come out of this. But I do claim the truth of God's Word in my life, in this world. And I know that He holds all things. I am His, and He holds me in the palm of His hand. I know He is orchestrating all of this in accordance to His plan. His plans are there to give us a hope and a future.
And I know my future is going to be with Him. If you don't, do not hesitate to talk to me. Because I would love to introduce you to a love that is more amazing and powerful than all the hate, violence, and pain in this world.
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Edit:
I wrote all of this late last night before I went to bed, trying to get my thoughts out so I could sleep.
Today in Bible Fellowship Groups (AKA Sunday School), we talked about the wise men. It struck me that Herod, who got the same evidence as the wise men did, responded to the Christmas message of hope, peace, and love in anger, fear, and jealousy. How dare another king be born to take his place?
But don't we sometimes react the same? God, how could you do this thing? How could you allow my life to be affected, altered, in such a negative way?
But the thing about us, in our humanity, we can't see the ultimate outcome. We don't know how things will work out in the end, but God does. He knows how it will all work out in the end.
None of us will have all the answers. But we can trust and rely on the Lord of the Universe, that he has all things under his control.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Thoughts on 12/14/12
I am numb outside, but a ball of pain on the inside.
To look around me on an average day, it hurts to see the pain of those around me. Their loneliness. Their heartache. Their pain.
But today? It hurts even more. Families totally torn apart. Small children who are gone in a second. So many questions. Not nearly enough answers. Confusion that may never go away.
Our world is broken. It is totally dark, dying, infected and decayed. There's no one who can deny that.
What people seem so keen to deny is our world's need for a Savior. Someone not of us, so not tainted by our infection, yet one of us who completely understands and identifies with us.
I don't understand why this happened, so close to the holiday season. I don't know why someone my own age would ever think the answer to his own problems would be to kill 20 young children. I don't know why so many have to deal with the ramifications of this for their lives. I don't know why the most innocent, the most precious of people in our world had to go so soon.
I do know that it hurts God a million times more than it hurts me. He hates that His precious children have to go through such disease and muck in this world. He created a world that He called good, but now it is tainted by a curse we ourselves brought upon us.
But He loved us enough to give us a way out. He came to earth Himself to take on all the muck, the mire, the grime, even though He didn't have to. And finally, He died in atonement for our sin. He took our place and died for us, so we didn't have to suffer eternally.
I will be in prayer for the families affected today. If I could, I would hug each and every one of them. But I know God is with them, even if they choose to turn away from Him. He loves us enough to stick with us through everything.
I just pray, in this Christmas season, through their heartache they can see the arms of Him who came, 2,000 years ago as a baby Himself, waiting to surround them in comfort and peace.
To look around me on an average day, it hurts to see the pain of those around me. Their loneliness. Their heartache. Their pain.
But today? It hurts even more. Families totally torn apart. Small children who are gone in a second. So many questions. Not nearly enough answers. Confusion that may never go away.
Our world is broken. It is totally dark, dying, infected and decayed. There's no one who can deny that.
What people seem so keen to deny is our world's need for a Savior. Someone not of us, so not tainted by our infection, yet one of us who completely understands and identifies with us.
I don't understand why this happened, so close to the holiday season. I don't know why someone my own age would ever think the answer to his own problems would be to kill 20 young children. I don't know why so many have to deal with the ramifications of this for their lives. I don't know why the most innocent, the most precious of people in our world had to go so soon.
I do know that it hurts God a million times more than it hurts me. He hates that His precious children have to go through such disease and muck in this world. He created a world that He called good, but now it is tainted by a curse we ourselves brought upon us.
But He loved us enough to give us a way out. He came to earth Himself to take on all the muck, the mire, the grime, even though He didn't have to. And finally, He died in atonement for our sin. He took our place and died for us, so we didn't have to suffer eternally.
I will be in prayer for the families affected today. If I could, I would hug each and every one of them. But I know God is with them, even if they choose to turn away from Him. He loves us enough to stick with us through everything.
I just pray, in this Christmas season, through their heartache they can see the arms of Him who came, 2,000 years ago as a baby Himself, waiting to surround them in comfort and peace.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The Burden of Prayer
I've always been people oriented. I have always wanted to do the best for other people. I have a tendency to feel empathy for others that I hardly know. My heart aches with other people. When someone is greatly troubled, I am greatly troubled too.
If it were up to me, I would take all the bad things away from the world, just so everyone else didn't have to deal with them. I couldn't even begin to count how many times I wished I could take a horrible situation away from someone else so they could be happy and a peace. Even if that meant that I would have to deal with that situation myself.
So prayer for others comes sort of easy for me. I tend to pray for others far more than I pray for myself. Because I've seen the power of prayer from an honest, genuine, broken heart. And my heart is most often broken for others.
But constant intersession for others can start to wear on a girl. If I'm not careful, burden upon burden can start to pile on.
For the girl in my class who looked teary eyed. For my friend whom I've drifted from, but can still tell she's hurting. For my friend who is stoic, but still letting on that he's bothered. For the man, sitting on the street, waiting for a stranger's kindness. For a girl in an orphanage miles and miles away, wanting to be loved. For the anonymous guy online, commenting in hatred to boost his own esteem. For my father when he's sick. For my mother as she's weary. For my sister as she's stressed out. For my roommate as we talk about our lives. For my unsaved friends who are lost in the darkness. For a school campus full of students searching through the dark, trying to convince themselves they know what's going on, but knowing they're floundering.
The list can go on and on and on and on.
Sometimes, I get so caught up in praying for other's burdens, that I don't realize I'm taking them on myself. But that is not what God calls us to do. He calls us not to take the weight off of others' shoulders ourselves, but to show them how to exchange their burden for His:
If it were up to me, I would take all the bad things away from the world, just so everyone else didn't have to deal with them. I couldn't even begin to count how many times I wished I could take a horrible situation away from someone else so they could be happy and a peace. Even if that meant that I would have to deal with that situation myself.
So prayer for others comes sort of easy for me. I tend to pray for others far more than I pray for myself. Because I've seen the power of prayer from an honest, genuine, broken heart. And my heart is most often broken for others.
But constant intersession for others can start to wear on a girl. If I'm not careful, burden upon burden can start to pile on.
For the girl in my class who looked teary eyed. For my friend whom I've drifted from, but can still tell she's hurting. For my friend who is stoic, but still letting on that he's bothered. For the man, sitting on the street, waiting for a stranger's kindness. For a girl in an orphanage miles and miles away, wanting to be loved. For the anonymous guy online, commenting in hatred to boost his own esteem. For my father when he's sick. For my mother as she's weary. For my sister as she's stressed out. For my roommate as we talk about our lives. For my unsaved friends who are lost in the darkness. For a school campus full of students searching through the dark, trying to convince themselves they know what's going on, but knowing they're floundering.
The list can go on and on and on and on.
Sometimes, I get so caught up in praying for other's burdens, that I don't realize I'm taking them on myself. But that is not what God calls us to do. He calls us not to take the weight off of others' shoulders ourselves, but to show them how to exchange their burden for His:
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30
It's something I'm still learning, something God still has to remind me of. Old habits die hard, they say.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Weekly Random Topics?
So, I've been trying to think of something I can do consistently, every week, so that I can have constant updates to the blog. And today the idea hit me: What if I find a random topic generator and blog on random topics? Sounds like fun, right? Well, here's the first one. If all goes well, I might continue to do this every week, probably on Mondays.
English. Definitely. For a number of reasons, which I shall detail below:
1) I have more English major friends than I do Math major friends, so there would be more people to beat me up if I didn't choose English.
2) I've always loved being able to communicate to others in writing. I can make myself sound pretty good when I want to.
3) I am a fan of most novels, and their ability to take the reader into another world, to allow their imagination to run away and take on the life of some other person in a completely different situation and place.
4) I've always been able to grasp English concepts much quicker than Math concepts.
5) English seems more personalized. Everyone who writes has a slightly different style. You can see more of the person behind the words than you can behind the equation.
6) English starts with the letter "E", which I prefer much more than the letter "M". I tend to gravitate toward vowels over consonants.
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Random Topic: Math or English?
1) I have more English major friends than I do Math major friends, so there would be more people to beat me up if I didn't choose English.
2) I've always loved being able to communicate to others in writing. I can make myself sound pretty good when I want to.
3) I am a fan of most novels, and their ability to take the reader into another world, to allow their imagination to run away and take on the life of some other person in a completely different situation and place.
4) I've always been able to grasp English concepts much quicker than Math concepts.
5) English seems more personalized. Everyone who writes has a slightly different style. You can see more of the person behind the words than you can behind the equation.
6) English starts with the letter "E", which I prefer much more than the letter "M". I tend to gravitate toward vowels over consonants.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
My Husband's Got A Lot To Live Up To.
I suppose an explanation is in order.
A couple weeks ago, I went through a phase where I just felt so alone. It's funny how cliches can turn out to be true. The one about "feeling the most alone when you're surrounded by people" turned out to be my entire life last week. I hung out with people, sure. I went to all my classes, and even laughed and joked around. But the whole time I felt completely and totally isolated.
And it kept getting worse. And it seemed as if all of my friends were getting to know each other better, getting closer, and/or entering into relationships. And I had no one. [Well, apart from my amazingly awesome roomie, who is literally God's blessing personified in my life most of the time. And also one of my really good friends Sarah, who took me to eat and get away from the burden of campus the other Friday for dinner.]
Anyway, I felt so alone. It got to the point where I decided to hole myself up in my room during my free time, silently hoping, wishing, and internally screaming out that someone would text me and make plans to hang out. It never happened.
I'm not blaming my friends for it [at least not NOW, anyway...], and I know part of it was my own fault. But basically I just wanted to feel loved. To feel like someone cared if I was around or not.
As a result of this, a couple weekends ago, I closed myself in my room Friday night into Saturday night, watched The Notebook and Dear John, cried my eyes out and ate entirely too much ice cream. Because I wanted to push away my own unhappiness and cry about something else.
Saturday night came around, and I figured I had wallowed in my own self pity enough that I should get out of my room, so I decided to go swing dancing with a group of friends. And I had a lot of fun. It was a blast, and the IHOP afterwards was fantastic.
But I was still empty. I wasn't fulfilled.
I came back to the room and just wanted to cry. But my roomie had a friend over and I had to help her dye her hair and so I just ended up falling into bed mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.
Sunday morning, I didn't want to go to church, and that rarely happens to me. I got one of my friends to give me a ride so I could sleep in even longer, delaying actually going. And I almost didn't go. Because even though I knew I should turn to God, I didn't want to. I wanted to maintain control over my life, and I knew God was screaming for me to turn back to him and lay it all on him.
But I went. And I'm so glad I did.
The Sunday School time [Life Journey Groups, as my church titles them] started with some worship, and we sang "How He Loves". History has taught me that when that song is sung, God is about to tell me something important. Alright, fine God, I'll listen today. I'll pay attention.
In service, we sang "Everlasting God". And in that moment, God spoke to my soul. Part of the song talked about soaring on wings like eagles. And I remembered that my mother had read that verse in Isaiah at my baby dedication.
You see, it hit me. God has been pursuing me since I was a baby. He's been carefully shaping my life to point to Himself. He has been calling out to me and loving me since before I was born. And then, when I became a Christian and started my relationship, He said He would never leave me. Ever.
Our final song sealed the nail in the coffin of Kailyn-Blues. Because we sang "The Power of Your Love", by Hillsong United. Here's the chorus:
And it kept getting worse. And it seemed as if all of my friends were getting to know each other better, getting closer, and/or entering into relationships. And I had no one. [Well, apart from my amazingly awesome roomie, who is literally God's blessing personified in my life most of the time. And also one of my really good friends Sarah, who took me to eat and get away from the burden of campus the other Friday for dinner.]
Anyway, I felt so alone. It got to the point where I decided to hole myself up in my room during my free time, silently hoping, wishing, and internally screaming out that someone would text me and make plans to hang out. It never happened.
I'm not blaming my friends for it [at least not NOW, anyway...], and I know part of it was my own fault. But basically I just wanted to feel loved. To feel like someone cared if I was around or not.
As a result of this, a couple weekends ago, I closed myself in my room Friday night into Saturday night, watched The Notebook and Dear John, cried my eyes out and ate entirely too much ice cream. Because I wanted to push away my own unhappiness and cry about something else.
Saturday night came around, and I figured I had wallowed in my own self pity enough that I should get out of my room, so I decided to go swing dancing with a group of friends. And I had a lot of fun. It was a blast, and the IHOP afterwards was fantastic.
But I was still empty. I wasn't fulfilled.
I came back to the room and just wanted to cry. But my roomie had a friend over and I had to help her dye her hair and so I just ended up falling into bed mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.
Sunday morning, I didn't want to go to church, and that rarely happens to me. I got one of my friends to give me a ride so I could sleep in even longer, delaying actually going. And I almost didn't go. Because even though I knew I should turn to God, I didn't want to. I wanted to maintain control over my life, and I knew God was screaming for me to turn back to him and lay it all on him.
But I went. And I'm so glad I did.
The Sunday School time [Life Journey Groups, as my church titles them] started with some worship, and we sang "How He Loves". History has taught me that when that song is sung, God is about to tell me something important. Alright, fine God, I'll listen today. I'll pay attention.
In service, we sang "Everlasting God". And in that moment, God spoke to my soul. Part of the song talked about soaring on wings like eagles. And I remembered that my mother had read that verse in Isaiah at my baby dedication.
You see, it hit me. God has been pursuing me since I was a baby. He's been carefully shaping my life to point to Himself. He has been calling out to me and loving me since before I was born. And then, when I became a Christian and started my relationship, He said He would never leave me. Ever.
Our final song sealed the nail in the coffin of Kailyn-Blues. Because we sang "The Power of Your Love", by Hillsong United. Here's the chorus:
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side.
And as I wait
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love.
Again, God reminded me of his yearning for my love and relationship, even before I was born. And again He reminded me that his love, which surrounds us, engulfing us, practically drowning us in affection, is bigger than all. And that even if every other person would abandon me, His Spirit will always lead me on in love.
Again, God reminded me of his yearning for my love and relationship, even before I was born. And again He reminded me that his love, which surrounds us, engulfing us, practically drowning us in affection, is bigger than all. And that even if every other person would abandon me, His Spirit will always lead me on in love.
So you see, I've been pampered and courted and sought after by the Creator of the Universe, who has not held back an ounce of His power in order to pursue me, claim me, and remind me that I'm His.
So my future Husband, whoever he may be, has got to live up to that. Rest assured, I'm already praying that God would direct His life so he may be as in tune to God's love as I am.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Dementors
They're on campus. I swear.
For those of you who don't know, I am a huge Harry Potter fan/nerd/obsessed freak. Like, a lot of my childhood, all of my adolescence, and so far all of my young adulthood has incorporated in some way Harry Potter. Between my Roomie and I, there are nine HP posters in our dorm room. I have five wands, two horcruxes, and countless other memorabilia. I even have dreams about Harry Potter, usually about once every two or three weeks.
So, naturally, when things happen, I tend to correlate them to Harry Potter. Including right now.
It seems as if all of my friends are going through a lot right now. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Everything. And me too. I just have a sort of heaviness inside of me, one that can't be shaken off.
So naturally, it must be Dementors. I think we all just need to sit down and eat a bunch of chocolate. Because it helps. Lupin said so.
But in all honesty, I think we all need to turn back to the One who can sustain us. Because only He can give us rest from whatever's making us weary. Dementor or otherwise.
For those of you who don't know, I am a huge Harry Potter fan/nerd/obsessed freak. Like, a lot of my childhood, all of my adolescence, and so far all of my young adulthood has incorporated in some way Harry Potter. Between my Roomie and I, there are nine HP posters in our dorm room. I have five wands, two horcruxes, and countless other memorabilia. I even have dreams about Harry Potter, usually about once every two or three weeks.
So, naturally, when things happen, I tend to correlate them to Harry Potter. Including right now.
It seems as if all of my friends are going through a lot right now. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Everything. And me too. I just have a sort of heaviness inside of me, one that can't be shaken off.
So naturally, it must be Dementors. I think we all just need to sit down and eat a bunch of chocolate. Because it helps. Lupin said so.
But in all honesty, I think we all need to turn back to the One who can sustain us. Because only He can give us rest from whatever's making us weary. Dementor or otherwise.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
In Case of Zombies, RUN!!!
So, lately I've been thinking an awful lot about zombies, mostly because I've been watching the Walking Dead now that it's returned. And my school started it's semi-annual game of Humans Vs. Zombies (which I did NOT participate in). And later this year there will be a 2 mile Zombie run in my city where you have to run with flag football flags on and get past all the zombies without letting them take your flag. And I might have purchased and currently be playing a video game involving zombies...
Anyway, I've been giving a lot of thought to what I myself might do in a zombie apocalypse. It's a troubling thought because I know that I myself am not very athletic and therefore my chances are already slimmer than those of my sports-enjoying counterparts. So, the following is my plan for if/when zombies attack. I call it:
1) Grab ALL the protein bars --- In every zombie thing I've seen, the survivors always struggle to find food. I feel like protein bars would be a good thing to have on hand. Plus, they're light.
2) Get a hand gun, LOTS of ammo, and a knife/screwdriver/other sharp object --- The next biggest priority is to get weapons to kill the zombies with. I don't think I'll have the expertise to be able to shoot a bigger gun, so a hand gun will work well, plus it's light. Then, for tight spots, I can use the sharp object to get the zombies in the head. I thought about getting a heavy blunt object to bash in heads, but I want to travel lightly. So, that's why I'm choosing to go with the knife.
3) Find and befriend a doctor/nurse/medical student/veterinarian --- In every zombie scenario EVER, people get injured fighting off the undead. Therefore, since I have no idea how to treat anything other than a small scrape (ointment and a band-aid , I need to partner with someone who understands how to treat people and/or animals that are injured.
4) Find more people to trust, and STICK WITH THEM NO MATTER WHAT THAT IS IT! --- In all the zombie things I've watched, the trouble really starts once the group starts to turn on each other, or when they split into separate groups. Also, let's be honest, I'm gonna be a wreck emotionally. But, if I have someone I have to take care of or help survive, I'm gonna be more likely to keep a cool head. I'm a nurturer, so if I have someone to nurture, I'll be more likely to survive myself.
5) DO NOT, try to go and track down your family --- Now, don't get me wrong, I am super duper close to my family, and I will be worried sick. But in every zombie thing I've seen, once they go to far off cities looking for family, they get in trouble and their numbers shrink by like half. So, I'll just have to hope and pray that it all works out for us.
6) Find a secure place (preferably with food and water) to hunker down and wait this thing out --- This could be a remote farm, a reinforced super market, a bomb shelter, a former prison, etc.
7) Follow your instinct --- if someone seems like a crazy mad scientist, a trigger happy deserter, or a cannibalistic farm family, they probably are. Do. Not. Trust. Them. Ever.
8) Do not enter into a seemingly preordained, perfect-even-in-the-circumstances-of-killer-zombies relationship --- because at least one member of the cute couple always dies. ALWAYS.
9) Always be on the lookout --- For food, for weapons, for zombies, for anything.
10) When in doubt, just RUN --- do I really have to explain this one? For goodness sake, there are ZOMBIES AROUND!
And that's what I've got so far. I think it's a pretty solid plan. Hopefully I'll never have to test it. Because let's be honest, I'll never really make it in a zombie apocalypse. With my luck, I'll be the first one infected. *sigh*
Anyway, I've been giving a lot of thought to what I myself might do in a zombie apocalypse. It's a troubling thought because I know that I myself am not very athletic and therefore my chances are already slimmer than those of my sports-enjoying counterparts. So, the following is my plan for if/when zombies attack. I call it:
Kailyn's Super Awesome Zombie Apocalypse Plan
2) Get a hand gun, LOTS of ammo, and a knife/screwdriver/other sharp object --- The next biggest priority is to get weapons to kill the zombies with. I don't think I'll have the expertise to be able to shoot a bigger gun, so a hand gun will work well, plus it's light. Then, for tight spots, I can use the sharp object to get the zombies in the head. I thought about getting a heavy blunt object to bash in heads, but I want to travel lightly. So, that's why I'm choosing to go with the knife.
3) Find and befriend a doctor/nurse/medical student/veterinarian --- In every zombie scenario EVER, people get injured fighting off the undead. Therefore, since I have no idea how to treat anything other than a small scrape (ointment and a band-aid , I need to partner with someone who understands how to treat people and/or animals that are injured.
4) Find more people to trust, and STICK WITH THEM NO MATTER WHAT THAT IS IT! --- In all the zombie things I've watched, the trouble really starts once the group starts to turn on each other, or when they split into separate groups. Also, let's be honest, I'm gonna be a wreck emotionally. But, if I have someone I have to take care of or help survive, I'm gonna be more likely to keep a cool head. I'm a nurturer, so if I have someone to nurture, I'll be more likely to survive myself.
5) DO NOT, try to go and track down your family --- Now, don't get me wrong, I am super duper close to my family, and I will be worried sick. But in every zombie thing I've seen, once they go to far off cities looking for family, they get in trouble and their numbers shrink by like half. So, I'll just have to hope and pray that it all works out for us.
6) Find a secure place (preferably with food and water) to hunker down and wait this thing out --- This could be a remote farm, a reinforced super market, a bomb shelter, a former prison, etc.
7) Follow your instinct --- if someone seems like a crazy mad scientist, a trigger happy deserter, or a cannibalistic farm family, they probably are. Do. Not. Trust. Them. Ever.
8) Do not enter into a seemingly preordained, perfect-even-in-the-circumstances-of-killer-zombies relationship --- because at least one member of the cute couple always dies. ALWAYS.
9) Always be on the lookout --- For food, for weapons, for zombies, for anything.
10) When in doubt, just RUN --- do I really have to explain this one? For goodness sake, there are ZOMBIES AROUND!
And that's what I've got so far. I think it's a pretty solid plan. Hopefully I'll never have to test it. Because let's be honest, I'll never really make it in a zombie apocalypse. With my luck, I'll be the first one infected. *sigh*
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Revelations on Hunger.
So, I have this friend [who shall henceforth go unnamed, but he knows who he is and probably so do most of my friends, sooo... *shrug*]. Whenever we hang out, it seems of late, he's always trying to get me to eat food. And not healthy food, like brownies and cookies and Chinese donuts and lots and lots of carbs [which I need no help eating since I have a bit of a love affair with all the carbs]. I joke and say that he's bad for my health. In fact, the last time we studied at the library, he attempted to encourage me to eat an egg roll stuffed inside of the day old bread I bought from Jimmy Johns. Who does that?
Anyway, as he was trying to push his unwanted food on me, I began thinking. Almost every time he tries to make me eat food, I start out by saying no. By the end of the time we've been hanging out, I've compromised and eaten at least a little bit of what he's been pushing on me. In this case, I ended up taking the egg roll back to my room and eating it just before bed [the day old bread was finished off for breakfast this morning].
But the whole idea sort of got me thinking. This is the sort of thing we go through every day. We as humans are constantly hungering. We hunger for God, but we often try to fill it with something else. Even as Christians, we are constantly at odds with ourselves.
And then there's Satan. He sits there, constantly telling us to eat the "cookie". Just give in to what you really want, and it'll all be over. He promises to leave us alone if we just satisfy ourselves instead of honoring God with our lives.
And, often times, I find myself giving into that urge, compromising myself and choosing to do a little bit of what I want and a little bit of what I know God wants for me. And in the end, I'm left unsatisfied and still plagued by the rest of what the world has to offer. Just like when I take a little bit of what my friend tries to force-feed me.
I guess that's something I need to work on. And it looks like it's gonna be a life-long process. Because my selfishness will ALWAYS want to eat that darn cookie, or egg roll, or whatever in order to get short-lived, yet immediate satisfaction.
I just have to remind myself that one day, in the future I can't foresee my God has got an awesome feast up there waiting for me, better and more satisfying than I could ever imagine.
Anyway, as he was trying to push his unwanted food on me, I began thinking. Almost every time he tries to make me eat food, I start out by saying no. By the end of the time we've been hanging out, I've compromised and eaten at least a little bit of what he's been pushing on me. In this case, I ended up taking the egg roll back to my room and eating it just before bed [the day old bread was finished off for breakfast this morning].
But the whole idea sort of got me thinking. This is the sort of thing we go through every day. We as humans are constantly hungering. We hunger for God, but we often try to fill it with something else. Even as Christians, we are constantly at odds with ourselves.
And then there's Satan. He sits there, constantly telling us to eat the "cookie". Just give in to what you really want, and it'll all be over. He promises to leave us alone if we just satisfy ourselves instead of honoring God with our lives.
And, often times, I find myself giving into that urge, compromising myself and choosing to do a little bit of what I want and a little bit of what I know God wants for me. And in the end, I'm left unsatisfied and still plagued by the rest of what the world has to offer. Just like when I take a little bit of what my friend tries to force-feed me.
I guess that's something I need to work on. And it looks like it's gonna be a life-long process. Because my selfishness will ALWAYS want to eat that darn cookie, or egg roll, or whatever in order to get short-lived, yet immediate satisfaction.
I just have to remind myself that one day, in the future I can't foresee my God has got an awesome feast up there waiting for me, better and more satisfying than I could ever imagine.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
... What?
And that's about all I could say when all of the pieces fit together tonight.
Today was just a weird day. I didn't go to choir practice (which is weird for me, I hardly ever miss) because I had a last minute assignment that had to be completed today because it involved going to a museum. I thought I lost my rain coat that I got in the mail less than 24 hours ago, but ended up finding it in the same spot I left it over 12 hours before (uh... sorry Momma... at least I found it, right?). On top of all that, I almost slept in too late this morning, which threw off my whole schedule.
And then came tonight. I had been dreading it a little bit, because I had set it aside to do something very important: BStud planning.
You see, tomorrow night, as my co-leader is unable to be there, I will be leading my girl's Bible study. Alone. For the first time ever.
You could say I'm a little nervous.
We're going to be talking about friendships and having community in our group tomorrow. I guess I felt ok about the topic itself. I tend to have many good, healthy friendships, so I feel quite authoritative on the subject. But the thought of leading alone still gave me the chills. I wasn't sure I could handle it.
Earlier in the week, I had picked out an article from the website we get all our resources from. I had skimmed it, liked it, and bookmarked it to use. Tonight, I printed it off, and got to reading.
And that's when it began to get weird.
I remembered this stuff. Like, I had gone over it before. And not in a "oh, I've heard about having good community a million times in church" sort of going over, but a "I've used these same exact terms before" sort of going over.
I kept reading, and got to a chart in the article. I began to freak out. I remembered copying down this chart. I ran over to my drawers and got out my notebook from last year (long since filled up). I flipped a few pages, and stopped cold. Sure enough, it was there.
Upon further investigation, I realized that not only was that carefully copied into my notes, but that I had done so on October 13, 2011. Almost a full year ago. Curious, I flipped to the next page, which had notes from last year's Fall Retreat.
This weekend is Fall Retreat this year. So, a year ago, the week before Fall Retreat, I had studied the same lesson I was about to teach to my girls before they go to Fall Retreat.
Also, after more investigation of my notes, I was hit by another realization: that was the first week I had brought my notebook to BStud. October 13th was the first time I took notes.
I was shocked and overcome with joy. I even vaguely remembered a year ago, getting ready to head to Bible Study, thinking "Oh, maybe I should bring my notebook. I can use some of this stuff later." Little did I know...
So I'm not so nervous anymore. Because not only have I already got a ton of notes on this exact lesson, but I know now I am not leading alone. I'm leading under my Bible study leaders from last year who poured themselves into our group. And, more importantly I am being led by God through all areas of life, and who's plan is much bigger than I could ever comprehend.
Because honestly, who else would have thought that a couple pages of notes would make that much of a difference?
Today was just a weird day. I didn't go to choir practice (which is weird for me, I hardly ever miss) because I had a last minute assignment that had to be completed today because it involved going to a museum. I thought I lost my rain coat that I got in the mail less than 24 hours ago, but ended up finding it in the same spot I left it over 12 hours before (uh... sorry Momma... at least I found it, right?). On top of all that, I almost slept in too late this morning, which threw off my whole schedule.
And then came tonight. I had been dreading it a little bit, because I had set it aside to do something very important: BStud planning.
You see, tomorrow night, as my co-leader is unable to be there, I will be leading my girl's Bible study. Alone. For the first time ever.
You could say I'm a little nervous.
We're going to be talking about friendships and having community in our group tomorrow. I guess I felt ok about the topic itself. I tend to have many good, healthy friendships, so I feel quite authoritative on the subject. But the thought of leading alone still gave me the chills. I wasn't sure I could handle it.
Earlier in the week, I had picked out an article from the website we get all our resources from. I had skimmed it, liked it, and bookmarked it to use. Tonight, I printed it off, and got to reading.
And that's when it began to get weird.
I remembered this stuff. Like, I had gone over it before. And not in a "oh, I've heard about having good community a million times in church" sort of going over, but a "I've used these same exact terms before" sort of going over.
I kept reading, and got to a chart in the article. I began to freak out. I remembered copying down this chart. I ran over to my drawers and got out my notebook from last year (long since filled up). I flipped a few pages, and stopped cold. Sure enough, it was there.
Upon further investigation, I realized that not only was that carefully copied into my notes, but that I had done so on October 13, 2011. Almost a full year ago. Curious, I flipped to the next page, which had notes from last year's Fall Retreat.
This weekend is Fall Retreat this year. So, a year ago, the week before Fall Retreat, I had studied the same lesson I was about to teach to my girls before they go to Fall Retreat.
Also, after more investigation of my notes, I was hit by another realization: that was the first week I had brought my notebook to BStud. October 13th was the first time I took notes.
I was shocked and overcome with joy. I even vaguely remembered a year ago, getting ready to head to Bible Study, thinking "Oh, maybe I should bring my notebook. I can use some of this stuff later." Little did I know...
So I'm not so nervous anymore. Because not only have I already got a ton of notes on this exact lesson, but I know now I am not leading alone. I'm leading under my Bible study leaders from last year who poured themselves into our group. And, more importantly I am being led by God through all areas of life, and who's plan is much bigger than I could ever comprehend.
Because honestly, who else would have thought that a couple pages of notes would make that much of a difference?
Sunday, September 30, 2012
The Forgiving Father.
Today in church, we talked about the Parable of the Prodigal Son. A part of me internally rolled my eyes. Growing up in church, I've probably heard this story at least 50 times. The bad son runs away. He ruins his life, lives in filth and poverty, and then he comes crawling back to the father. The father welcomes him home. Then, the good son get's bratty and jealous and the father admonishes him. That part of me wanted to just tune out of the sermon and consider what I would be eating for lunch or when I would get in a much-desired nap.
But the other part of me, the part that won this morning (though it doesn't always), decided to listen. And boy am I glad I did.
You see, when we look at this story, we often pay the most attention to the Prodigal son, then next we focus on his older brother, and finally we might have time for their father. Isn't that how it should be, focusing on how we fit into the story and how we see ourselves?
Thing is, Jesus isn't really telling the story so countless pastors can ask their congregation "Which of the father's sons are you?" or "Will you decide to come back to the father?" Yes, that is important. And it's something that should definitely be talked about. But I don't think that was the main point of the parable.
This is the story of a prodigal son, yes, but more importantly it's about his father. A dad who gave his son his way, let him make his own mistakes, even though he knew it would turn out bad. A dad who looked earnestly every day to see if his long lost son would come home. A dad who, after barely making out his son in the distance, runs to meet him.
In fact, the dad does more than just run to meet him:
But the other part of me, the part that won this morning (though it doesn't always), decided to listen. And boy am I glad I did.
You see, when we look at this story, we often pay the most attention to the Prodigal son, then next we focus on his older brother, and finally we might have time for their father. Isn't that how it should be, focusing on how we fit into the story and how we see ourselves?
Thing is, Jesus isn't really telling the story so countless pastors can ask their congregation "Which of the father's sons are you?" or "Will you decide to come back to the father?" Yes, that is important. And it's something that should definitely be talked about. But I don't think that was the main point of the parable.
This is the story of a prodigal son, yes, but more importantly it's about his father. A dad who gave his son his way, let him make his own mistakes, even though he knew it would turn out bad. A dad who looked earnestly every day to see if his long lost son would come home. A dad who, after barely making out his son in the distance, runs to meet him.
In fact, the dad does more than just run to meet him:
"But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' And they began to celebrate."
Everything that the father does in this passage is exactly what our Father does for us. In Revelation (interestingly enough, the passage I'm studying in one of the BStuds I'm involved in), we are told that we, the bride, will be clothed in white garments, symbolizing our holiness. We are given a ring because we are accepted fully into our new heavenly family. We are given sandals to make the journey a little more bearable. And, when we all get to heaven, we will be guests of honor at the feast to top all feasts!
The fact that God is so forgiving just blows my mind. It's not that I find it hard to forgive other people. That usually comes pretty easy to me. But I'm really hard on myself. I let myself down. I feel like I've let other people down and beat myself up for it even when they don't. Often, I feel beyond forgiveness.
But then, if the God of the Universe, Creator of all, Lord of Lords and King of Kings, Holy One can forgive me and literally run to meet me when I decide to turn to him, can't I forgive myself? If He thinks I'm worth it, then aren't I?
I know I will probably turn away from God, because I have in the past. But I can hold onto the promise that when I come back honestly and sincerely, sheepishly hoping just to be His servant and not worthy enough to look Him in the eye, He will come running up to me, throw His arms around me, swing me around, and grin. Because His princess has come home again.
Friday, September 28, 2012
A Me Day.
Today, I have woken up at 1:12 pm. I have eaten Spaghetti that I microwaved in my micro-fridge (a college necessity . I have then proceed to sit at my laptop for 2 hours: reading Jesus blog posts, looking up scripture to use in my Bible Study (henceforth to be called BStud), watching YouTube videos about rare medical conditions (including a real live mermaid girl, a vampire brothers, and a girl with half a brain), and occasionally taking breaks to read Twelve Ordinary Men by John MacArthur.
Basically, I've done absolutely nothing. But sometimes that's good for me.
In the BStud I'm leading on campus, we had our lesson on quiet times last night. The study focused on Mary and Martha. You know the sisters: one is running about the house, trying to provide for the men she's let enter into her home. She's doing a good thing, and she looks over and sees her sister just chillin' with all the men, not even pretending to help her with the preparations. So, naturally, she gets frustrated.
It's funny. As an older sister, I can totally relate to Martha. I love my sister dearly, but I can think of at least twenty different times when I've been busy doing something around the house, and my sister, who was supposed to be helping me, is still glued to her laptop.
But Martha and Mary's story this time is a bit different than just one sister is slacking off.
Mary isn't just sitting doing nothing. She's at the feet of Jesus. The Messiah. The Lord of all the earth. The Son of God, God-with-us, creator of the universe. He's in Martha's house. And Mary recognizes it. She sees it and instead of being bogged down by stuff, she stops what's she's doing, and spends time with God.
If I'm being honest, I'm more of a Martha personality. When I see a need, I want to fill it however I can. I like to make plans and follow through. I like to be busy for God's Kingdom, doing stuff for him.
But a lot of the time, I get so focused on completing the task, I forget who I'm completing the task for.
Martha has merit though. She gets stuff done, and trusts that Jesus will get stuff done too (I mean, when her brother died, and she heard Jesus had shown up, she ran to meet him, still hoping that he would save her brother though he'd been dead for four days). Sometimes it's good to look at God as a doer, not just as someone who is there watching over us. He intercedes for us. He keeps us from harm. God is actively involved in our lives.
But today, I'm forcing myself to take a Mary sort of day. To relax and watch a number of Rom-Coms on Netflix, sure. But also to wait quietly on the Lord, talk with him.
To sit at his feet and be showered in love.
Basically, I've done absolutely nothing. But sometimes that's good for me.
In the BStud I'm leading on campus, we had our lesson on quiet times last night. The study focused on Mary and Martha. You know the sisters: one is running about the house, trying to provide for the men she's let enter into her home. She's doing a good thing, and she looks over and sees her sister just chillin' with all the men, not even pretending to help her with the preparations. So, naturally, she gets frustrated.
It's funny. As an older sister, I can totally relate to Martha. I love my sister dearly, but I can think of at least twenty different times when I've been busy doing something around the house, and my sister, who was supposed to be helping me, is still glued to her laptop.
But Martha and Mary's story this time is a bit different than just one sister is slacking off.
Mary isn't just sitting doing nothing. She's at the feet of Jesus. The Messiah. The Lord of all the earth. The Son of God, God-with-us, creator of the universe. He's in Martha's house. And Mary recognizes it. She sees it and instead of being bogged down by stuff, she stops what's she's doing, and spends time with God.
If I'm being honest, I'm more of a Martha personality. When I see a need, I want to fill it however I can. I like to make plans and follow through. I like to be busy for God's Kingdom, doing stuff for him.
But a lot of the time, I get so focused on completing the task, I forget who I'm completing the task for.
Martha has merit though. She gets stuff done, and trusts that Jesus will get stuff done too (I mean, when her brother died, and she heard Jesus had shown up, she ran to meet him, still hoping that he would save her brother though he'd been dead for four days). Sometimes it's good to look at God as a doer, not just as someone who is there watching over us. He intercedes for us. He keeps us from harm. God is actively involved in our lives.
But today, I'm forcing myself to take a Mary sort of day. To relax and watch a number of Rom-Coms on Netflix, sure. But also to wait quietly on the Lord, talk with him.
To sit at his feet and be showered in love.
Welcome.
Somehow you have stumbled upon my humble blog. I must admit, this is the fourth attempt I've made at trying to start a blog. The first three incarnations being now dead and buried and put out of their misery.
Let's just say I'm not the most accomplished blogger in the world.
But for some time now, I've just been feeling like I needed a place to get out my thoughts. To organize all the jumble in my head that I think might SOMEHOW help someone else. I don't know. This will sort of be a conglomeration of all my thoughts.
There will be funny posts, insightful posts, thoughtful posts, orderly posts, chaotic posts, well written posts, sub-par posts... pretty much whatever I feel like writing. I'm not going to try and limit myself to sounding smart or put-together or super-human or comedic or anything. Just... me.
So, I suppose if you like my blog, then you'll like me well enough, too. [I guess the opposite is also true, that if you like me hopefully you'll end up liking my blog? Maybe? I don't know...]
So here we begin. At 1:15 am on the beginnings of a Friday.
Let's just say I'm not the most accomplished blogger in the world.
But for some time now, I've just been feeling like I needed a place to get out my thoughts. To organize all the jumble in my head that I think might SOMEHOW help someone else. I don't know. This will sort of be a conglomeration of all my thoughts.
There will be funny posts, insightful posts, thoughtful posts, orderly posts, chaotic posts, well written posts, sub-par posts... pretty much whatever I feel like writing. I'm not going to try and limit myself to sounding smart or put-together or super-human or comedic or anything. Just... me.
So, I suppose if you like my blog, then you'll like me well enough, too. [I guess the opposite is also true, that if you like me hopefully you'll end up liking my blog? Maybe? I don't know...]
So here we begin. At 1:15 am on the beginnings of a Friday.
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