A couple weeks ago, I went through a phase where I just felt so alone. It's funny how cliches can turn out to be true. The one about "feeling the most alone when you're surrounded by people" turned out to be my entire life last week. I hung out with people, sure. I went to all my classes, and even laughed and joked around. But the whole time I felt completely and totally isolated.
And it kept getting worse. And it seemed as if all of my friends were getting to know each other better, getting closer, and/or entering into relationships. And I had no one. [Well, apart from my amazingly awesome roomie, who is literally God's blessing personified in my life most of the time. And also one of my really good friends Sarah, who took me to eat and get away from the burden of campus the other Friday for dinner.]
Anyway, I felt so alone. It got to the point where I decided to hole myself up in my room during my free time, silently hoping, wishing, and internally screaming out that someone would text me and make plans to hang out. It never happened.
I'm not blaming my friends for it [at least not NOW, anyway...], and I know part of it was my own fault. But basically I just wanted to feel loved. To feel like someone cared if I was around or not.
As a result of this, a couple weekends ago, I closed myself in my room Friday night into Saturday night, watched The Notebook and Dear John, cried my eyes out and ate entirely too much ice cream. Because I wanted to push away my own unhappiness and cry about something else.
Saturday night came around, and I figured I had wallowed in my own self pity enough that I should get out of my room, so I decided to go swing dancing with a group of friends. And I had a lot of fun. It was a blast, and the IHOP afterwards was fantastic.
But I was still empty. I wasn't fulfilled.
I came back to the room and just wanted to cry. But my roomie had a friend over and I had to help her dye her hair and so I just ended up falling into bed mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.
Sunday morning, I didn't want to go to church, and that rarely happens to me. I got one of my friends to give me a ride so I could sleep in even longer, delaying actually going. And I almost didn't go. Because even though I knew I should turn to God, I didn't want to. I wanted to maintain control over my life, and I knew God was screaming for me to turn back to him and lay it all on him.
But I went. And I'm so glad I did.
The Sunday School time [Life Journey Groups, as my church titles them] started with some worship, and we sang "How He Loves". History has taught me that when that song is sung, God is about to tell me something important. Alright, fine God, I'll listen today. I'll pay attention.
In service, we sang "Everlasting God". And in that moment, God spoke to my soul. Part of the song talked about soaring on wings like eagles. And I remembered that my mother had read that verse in Isaiah at my baby dedication.
You see, it hit me. God has been pursuing me since I was a baby. He's been carefully shaping my life to point to Himself. He has been calling out to me and loving me since before I was born. And then, when I became a Christian and started my relationship, He said He would never leave me. Ever.
Our final song sealed the nail in the coffin of Kailyn-Blues. Because we sang "The Power of Your Love", by Hillsong United. Here's the chorus:
And it kept getting worse. And it seemed as if all of my friends were getting to know each other better, getting closer, and/or entering into relationships. And I had no one. [Well, apart from my amazingly awesome roomie, who is literally God's blessing personified in my life most of the time. And also one of my really good friends Sarah, who took me to eat and get away from the burden of campus the other Friday for dinner.]
Anyway, I felt so alone. It got to the point where I decided to hole myself up in my room during my free time, silently hoping, wishing, and internally screaming out that someone would text me and make plans to hang out. It never happened.
I'm not blaming my friends for it [at least not NOW, anyway...], and I know part of it was my own fault. But basically I just wanted to feel loved. To feel like someone cared if I was around or not.
As a result of this, a couple weekends ago, I closed myself in my room Friday night into Saturday night, watched The Notebook and Dear John, cried my eyes out and ate entirely too much ice cream. Because I wanted to push away my own unhappiness and cry about something else.
Saturday night came around, and I figured I had wallowed in my own self pity enough that I should get out of my room, so I decided to go swing dancing with a group of friends. And I had a lot of fun. It was a blast, and the IHOP afterwards was fantastic.
But I was still empty. I wasn't fulfilled.
I came back to the room and just wanted to cry. But my roomie had a friend over and I had to help her dye her hair and so I just ended up falling into bed mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.
Sunday morning, I didn't want to go to church, and that rarely happens to me. I got one of my friends to give me a ride so I could sleep in even longer, delaying actually going. And I almost didn't go. Because even though I knew I should turn to God, I didn't want to. I wanted to maintain control over my life, and I knew God was screaming for me to turn back to him and lay it all on him.
But I went. And I'm so glad I did.
The Sunday School time [Life Journey Groups, as my church titles them] started with some worship, and we sang "How He Loves". History has taught me that when that song is sung, God is about to tell me something important. Alright, fine God, I'll listen today. I'll pay attention.
In service, we sang "Everlasting God". And in that moment, God spoke to my soul. Part of the song talked about soaring on wings like eagles. And I remembered that my mother had read that verse in Isaiah at my baby dedication.
You see, it hit me. God has been pursuing me since I was a baby. He's been carefully shaping my life to point to Himself. He has been calling out to me and loving me since before I was born. And then, when I became a Christian and started my relationship, He said He would never leave me. Ever.
Our final song sealed the nail in the coffin of Kailyn-Blues. Because we sang "The Power of Your Love", by Hillsong United. Here's the chorus:
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side.
And as I wait
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love.
Again, God reminded me of his yearning for my love and relationship, even before I was born. And again He reminded me that his love, which surrounds us, engulfing us, practically drowning us in affection, is bigger than all. And that even if every other person would abandon me, His Spirit will always lead me on in love.
Again, God reminded me of his yearning for my love and relationship, even before I was born. And again He reminded me that his love, which surrounds us, engulfing us, practically drowning us in affection, is bigger than all. And that even if every other person would abandon me, His Spirit will always lead me on in love.
So you see, I've been pampered and courted and sought after by the Creator of the Universe, who has not held back an ounce of His power in order to pursue me, claim me, and remind me that I'm His.
So my future Husband, whoever he may be, has got to live up to that. Rest assured, I'm already praying that God would direct His life so he may be as in tune to God's love as I am.
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