Festering Sores

So, I've never actually had a really bad wound before.  The worst I can think of was when I cut my finger when I went on my week-long mission trip to Cuba this past summer with the organization I worked for (you should go check out Deep Impact, it's pretty fantastic and our facebook page because there are lots of fun pictures).  I had haphazardly packed my bags and had left my razor straight up near the zipper.  I went to shove one last-minute item in and in the process of unzipping my bag sliced a pretty deep cut into my finger.  

This was especially problematic as the conditions of the water in Cuba are not up to our American water-purification standards.  Our poor little American bodies couldn't handle all the extra goodies they kept in the water there.  So, I grabbed one of the many water bottles that I had and frantically tried to stop the bleeding (which for a finger wound goes on FOR-EV-ER).  What made the day even more fantastic was that we were headed to the beach for the day.  That's right folks, new, fresh, open wound and delicious salt water to purify and cause my whole finger to go numb from continued pain.  It was a lovely occasion.  

I've never had a wound fester, however.  Festering sores seem gross.  They seem disgusting and troublesome and annoying.  It took forever for my finger cut to heal.  I can't imagine watching as the wound got worse and worse and instead of healing over and going back to normal, getting yellowed and full of puss.  

But I can understand what that feels like.  You see, I often let my anger become a festering sore.  
I imagine it like a rash, something that often starts out small but spreads out quickly.  And, if I'm honest, usually I get the most worked up on behalf of others.  When someone does something against my close friends or family, I can easily get very frustrated on their behalf.  I want to protect the people I love and when that is threatened, I loose control sometimes.  When someone makes my friend feel unworthy.  When someone makes my sister feel worthless.  When a teacher take their attitudes out on someone merely sharing their beliefs.  I get angry.  

But often I don't let it show.  I grit my teeth and clench my fists and grow very quiet because I don't want anyone to know.  I nod and may even give a small smile.  Sometimes I sigh and huff so people know I'm frustrated, but generally I withdraw, if only slightly.  That is, until I reach my room.

Then my anger explodes out to my roommate or my pillow or my mother via skype.  Everything that has frustrated me about that person or situation comes cascading out of my mouth in a furious wave of anger.  I feel myself drowning in it but I can't stop.  I have unleashed the flow and the river won't stop until it's run dry.  And often, after a brief pause, something will set me off and a huge gush will come out once more, until there is nothing left to say.

I ignore the rash, but it grows.  Finally I cannot take it anymore and I scratch vigorously, opening the wound.  I notice the sores beginning to appear and I try to avoid them, but I can't help myself.  I continue to scratch and scratch until the sores become infected, bleeding, ugly masses.  That is like my anger.  

I realize in the midst of it that only turning to the great physician can cure the sores.  But often times I'd rather leave them there, open and oozing blood and gunk, a reminder of how I had been hurt and frustrated.  That way, when it happens again, I have the sores to point to so I can remind them how they've hurt me before.  It's not healthy, but I don't care.  I want people to see and notice I am hurt without going up to them.  I want them to fix the issue, not work to seek treatment myself.  And so I sit there, covered in sores, more and more discontent by the minute.  

I wish I could say this is a grand issue I have found a solution for, but I can't.  It's something I'm still working on.  The Great Physician has a lot on his hands when it comes to Patient Eskridge.  Sometimes I wonder how he puts up with me.  

For now, I suppose, I will try and leave my hands at my side, letting my sores heal.  Because no matter how much comfort I seek in the pain and the frustration, it is nothing compared to the comfort God can give.  

YotS -- Week One

And so it begins.

I, Kailyn E, have begun a quest to become the master of the selfies.  To take a selfie every day for a year in order to better understand myself and frankly just to see how it goes.  I am a naturally inquisitive person.

Week one done.  I managed to take a variety of selfies, in mostly different places.  Surprisingly, I don't hate them all.  And I had a variety of facial expressions and types of photos.  It was very interesting.

January 26

Sunday I was at home celebrating my sister's birthday.  I had gone to church earlier that morning, and this was post Sunday-Church outfit/driving back to school outfit.  I took this picture a little while before I left for school.  I really like my eyes in this picture.  They just seem really pretty.

January 27

Today it was weirdly warm  I wore one of my favorite sweaters because it was comfy and I could get away with wearing only the sweater without a jacket.  I had thrown my rather frizzy hair in braids and headed out in a rush.  My last class of the day was canceled, which was awesome for me, so I decided to spend an hour or so outside enjoying the day.  I took this picture right before sitting down to read my book.  I love the way the sun is shining on my face, and my hair actually looks pretty cute!  

January 28

SNOW DAY!  Ok, I live in the south, and we like never get any snow.  So any small amount of snow is amazing.  And this was our second snow of the year!  My roommate and I went out in the snow, and it seriously looked like God was showering glitter from the sky.  We braved the cold to build a snowman and to get some food a few streets away (don't worry, we walked). I love the smile in this picture, genuinely happy because SNOW!

January 29

Today the university was closed, so I didn't do a whole lot.  I went to lunch with a friend, and then another friend of mine decided to drag me out to a coffee shop in the area that's our favorite since we couldn't go to the library.  I almost forgot to take a picture, so snapped this one really quickly before bed.  I do like how my eyes look, and I love the goofy sort of face.  

January 30

Although my sister back home had classes canceled, I had to attend classes today.  I felt kind of cute today, with my ear warmer, and my hair was looking pretty good today as well.  I didn't feel so good, however, so I spent a big chunk of my day in my room.  I like how my hair looks, and I'm kind of a fan of my smile in this one.  

January 31

I had a pretty busy Friday.  Breakfast in the morning, classes, shopping all day, and then a dinner out with friends at night.  When I got back, I decided to take the infamous "mirror selfie" to try out something new.  It was deceptively hard.  I love this shirt, though, and the off-kilter view of the photo I think looks pretty flattering on me.  

February 1

Another busy day.  I learned how to adult (got my oil changed) went on an adventure (ate at a new restaurant) and watched a number of things on Netflix (I'm not proud of the number).  I had dressed pretty casually because I wanted to be comfortable most of the day.  I like the rosiness in my cheeks in this picture.  That's with no blush, people.  NO BLUSH.

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I think my favorite selfie from the week was the one I took on Jan. 27.  It's rather simple, but I love the outdoor lighting and the beauty of God's creation the photo captures.  It also reminds me of the beautiful time I got to spend reading and relaxing outside, moments one learns to cherish in the middle of January!   

A Selfie a Day...

I'm not one, usually, to follow popular trends.  Most of the time I find out about a fad when it's on it's downswing of popularity and has started to be overused, even in the ironic sense.  The selfie is no exception.  

One of the few selfies I've taken that I genuinely like.
This picture is also from, like, two years ago.
You can see how often I take selfies.  

I never really got into the whole selfie craze.  The thought of taking a picture of myself all the time was weird.  First of all, why did people need to see my face all the time?  I don't want to be that person who clogs their facebook newsfeed or twitter feed or Insta with my face.  

Secondly, I don't really like how I look most of the time.  If I'm honest, I don't think I'm always beautiful.  Oh sure, I have days where I look in the mirror and think DANG THAT GIRL IS ATTRACTIVE! I would totally wife that!  But most of the time?  I don't like myself very much.  

I could pull the "I was bullied" or the "Media inaccurately defines beauty" or the "I didn't have enough support as a child" cards.  (For the record, I have some of the most supportive parents I could ever asked for and friends who constantly tell me I am beautiful, so it most certainly is not the third card).  But I'm not going to.  I really think I just need to learn to love myself, imperfections and all.  Because I think it would be good for me, to love myself the way God loves me.  Ultimately He created me and He loves me the way I am.  

I stumbled upon this video yesterday, and it really got me thinking about how social media affects us.  I thought to myself "Why don't I take selfies?"  And this sort of catches you up to where I am now.  

As I was pondering, I happened to be watching the videos of a family on YouTube that I have been watching for a while, the Shaytards.  They have been vlogging almost every day for about 5 years.  And I realized: what if I made the commitment to take a selfie every day for a year?  No matter how I looked, how I felt, or what I was doing, take a selfie.  

But if I committed to do this, I would have to do so without critiquing myself.  If I committed to it, then I would have to acknowledge something beautiful about myself in every picture.  And maybe, just maybe, I would begin to see the beauty in my physical appearance.  Just because. 

I'm limiting myself to only taking five selfies a day, so that I don't sit there and attempt to take the PERFECT pose to highlight everything I like about myself.  That sort of defeats the purpose.  I want to learn to see the positives of myself, and presenting myself in a weird way, positioning just so in order to hide all my insecurities sort of defeats the purpose.

So here I go.  A selfie a day. Reguardless of how I am feeling, or how I look.  I may take them at the beginning of the day or the end.  I may be cute or bumming it up.  It's about finding myself beautiful every day.  And you can feel free to join me, if you wish.  But you don't have to.  

Well, I still don't want to clog my friend's news feeds (I don't want to be THAT friend, ya know?), I decided that I will post a week's worth of selfies on my blog every Saturday.  Maybe this will FINALLY get me to start posting regularly on this thing.  

I also think I will choose my favorite selfie of the week to upload to the Facebooks/Twitters/Instagrams.  And I will probably edit/filter only the selfie of the week.  So there is that.  Well, let the Selfie games begin!  

A selfie a day keeps the doubter away?  I guess we'll find out!  

BiggieKK's 2013 (January and February)

While looking back on my year, I figured a fun and interesting way would be to go back and look at my tweets from the year, and compile them into a few blog posts.  I figure I'll do 2 months a day this first week of the year, and a final post looking back to finish off the first week of the year.  Sounds fun, right?

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January

- Though there were many difficulties in getting to Passion 2013 (one exploded tire, another flat, no dinner, and no rooms for us to stay in), we got there.  And did God change my attitude about a lot of things.  I learned more about the 27 million slaves that are still in the world, and in our country, today.  And I learned of God's beautiful planning and his perfect orchestration of events in this world.

- I had quite possibly the most quotable roommate of all time.  #AmberRoomieProbs  One day I will compile all of the things she said into a word document to keep forever.

- Crazy things always happened when Amber ( my roommate), Katie (my suitemate), and I hung out in our dorm room together.  Fun shenanigans an hilarity.  

- Watched the Golden Globes and fell over when three of my favorite actresses won awards.  Yeah Dame Maggie Smith, Anne Hathoway, and Jennifer Lawrence. 

- Amber and I began the tradition that if it is snowing and we are in Greensboro, we will both wear our matching footsie pjs.  

- Began the first of many nights in Club Jack (AKA the Jackson Library on  campus) Let the studying, procrastinating, and silly shenanigans begin!]

- Entered into an epic twitter rap battle with one of my friends.  Totally won. 

- Went to an interview weekend to interview for BeDoTell, Deep Impact, and Camp Mundo Vista.  So blessed to have the opportunity to get to know people from all of the different NCBCM organizations and to be able to interview for the chance to spend my summer working for the Lord's Glory.  

- Helped organize and participate in a Week of Prayer at UNCG through Cru.  It was such a blessing on so many of us.  

- Along with my friend Schuyler, he found out that when you flip the light switch in the library (surprise surprise) the lights on the whole floor go off.  

February

- Got a pet fish for our room, which promptly died a few days later. RIP Wishes the Fishes

- Watched the Quidditch Game... I mean the Super Bowl.  Flailed around during the halftime show.  BEYONCE.

- Was offered and accepted a position with Deep Impact to work the summer.  And my life would never be the same.  Also found out I would be spending a week out of my summer going to Cuba.  Began mentally preparing myself for what would be a life-changing experience.  

- More Club Jack adventures.  Overhearing songs and having hilariously quotable moments.  

- Wished my Daddy a happy birthday and got to talk to the family on skype.  No matter how old I get I will always be a Daddy's girl, Momma's princess, and Big Sissy.

- A great number of my friends decided to spend at least a little bit of their time going to Africa. 

- Came up with predictions for the future including the world being run by two of our friends as dictators and all of us trying to decide where we would all live.  It was also 3am and we were delirious.  

- Got to fill in at the Youth Handbell Festival in Greensboro and reunite with some of my favorite youths and adults.  It was amazing to be able to ring again and to see everyone.  

- Disappeared from social media to help raise awareness for the End It Movement and the 27 million slaves that exist in the world who don't have a face or a voice.

- Went to Maxie B's for the first time with my friend Sarah.  It is a delightfully delicious cake bakery a short drive away from campus.  It was another life-changing experience!  ^_^